Square One

Back to basics.  Back to square one.  Or maybe its forward to Square one in my case.  I have taken it back.  Deep breaths square one is a strange place.  Its a bit empty, its a bit hollow.   It asks me not to judge and to let go. It told me to start my blog again.  To reignite the creativity that I had long since buried because I couldn’t find the connection to it.  It seems I had buried that too. Along with myself.  Mainly because I felt judged and compared. Something to prove.  Was this to someone else or to myself?

” Ego says once everything falls into place I’ll feel at peace. Spirit says find your peace and then everything will fall into place”

Sat here trying to visualise the drop kick that I would love to do to my ego which seems to keep me from trusting the universe.  In yoga on Thursday our teacher asked us to trust.  She said she never does the same routine – a bit of a crutch for a jivamukti student – and so we have to trust.  Trust I guess she won’t ask too much of us, if she does, to be able to trust ourselves enough not to fear what she is asking of us but to try.  So I did and it was lovely.  I smiled inwardly that i was trying even if I didn’t quite get it right.  I am prepared to give it a go.

Yoga is for me a reflection of how my life is going and to be honest as well as burying the creativity I had buried the yoga behind a mood of not being able to do it.  Never enough time or determination.  There is always enough time and determination is just a state of mind.  I’m currently very determined, also frustrated.  Things haven’t quite worked out the way I thought they would. I feel like not only am I in the cuboid box of square one I am also on the back foot.  Back foot is tight with hamstrings and sore from standing like that for so long.

I thought I might be the lottery winner.  But I wasn’t.  So its back to this, rebuilding everything I had already built but knocked down like a kid throwing a tantrum with a jenga tower.  Life’s tough and whilst I am in square one the future and the light looks a bit far away.  But I spoke to my mother this morning and she said “its alright Ro, square one, unlike the cliff you have been dangling on, is a pretty safe place to be and all you have to do is the best you can and trust that it will all work out in the end”.

So forwards, backwards, feet or squares, it looks like the bottom means the only way is up.  Fortunately.

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